Don’t Fake It
A couple of months ago, I was the object of an interesting social media post at the organization I work for. I make video posts every once in a while to update people about things and to encourage them toward spiritual growth. Apparently one person didn’t like it. This person made a few derogatory posts. One of them called me fake. His actual words were very crude and not fit for this post. For some reason, my 60 second post hit him as fake. Or something about me hit him as fake. Granted it can be hard to evaluate a person solely from a short informational post on social media, and the post was promotional in nature. But I was surprised about his arbitrary evaluation of me.
A few days later I was sharing this with my Friday morning guys - 5 men I have been meeting pretty much every week for more than 14 years! I told them about the post response. I used the actual words because I could whisper them in the coffee shop. One of my friends said, “You are the farthest away from fake of anyone I know”. I kept talking, but really took his compliment to heart.
Since then I have reached out to my Friday coffee friends and asked them what they think makes masculine relationships authentic and not fake. Here is what they said:
Be willing to step boldly into other’s lives. Surface conversations, like sports, weather and maybe (dare I say it) politics have their place in conversations. But deeper things that are connected to family, career, ego, and religion do too. Those latter things are the things that derail life much more than religion, sports, or politics ever do.
Make your friends a priority. Sacrifice time and effort to meet up and be together. Everyone is busy with good and noble things. Friends are among the most noble.
Ask questions about how they are doing. Pay attention to your friends and notice things like sadness, anger, denial - even if they show up only once. Ask them about it. “It seems like you’re off today. Is something going on?”
Don’t only seek comfort. Most growth, if not all of it, comes from discomfort. When a friend makes a friend uncomfortable, usually the motive is for their good. If you notice any changed life-patterns or attitudes, bring it up to them - but bring it up as a question in case you have it wrong.
Show some emotion. We don’t cry over our coffee, but we do share how we are feeling about the things that are going on in our lives.
Share your story. Everyone has history that has built us up after it has held us back. Sharing your story disempowers the stigma of your story and empowers authentic relationships because we realize we are all pretty much the same - with a lot of the same struggles and stories.
Don’t take yourself too seriously. We laugh at each other a lot. We have learned how to do that. We have learned to not get too insecure or hurt by poking fun at each other. If we poke too hard, we check in with each other and apologize.
Being real and authentic can be hard. But it can also be easy. Faking relationships takes a lot more work. Not being true to yourself or your friends cheats your life - and theirs too. Enrich your life and your relationships. Just be you!
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