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YOU GO FIRST

When it comes to meaningful relationships, most people wait for someone else to go first.


The result: everyone's waiting for meaningful relationships


How many close friends do you really have?

More than half of the people around you feel lonely.

Most people only have a few relational hooks. That means that they only have capacity to have a few close relationships because of constraints on their time, their emotion, or their initiative. One popular anthropologist, Robin Dunbar, has a theory that says the human brain is really only capable of keeping track of about 150 relationships – people that we know enough to care about them in some capacity. Of those 150, only 50 of them are people that are likely closer to us – that we would hang out with, or have over to our house. Of those 50, we will likely be even closer to 15 of them. And it gets smaller and more exclusive. Of those 15, only 5 of them will really know us and us them. We will share up to 50% of our social time with these 5, and these are the one we call in some kind of crisis – even if it’s only a flat tire and our AAA expired. (Emerging Technonlogy from the arXiy, 2016)


Being braver and stronger together means that you take some steps to offset the loneliness in your life and in a friend or two. #braverandstrongertogether

Initiate the relationship

Everyone is waiting for someone else to go first. And when everyone is waiting for someone else to make the first move, everyone stands still. We have to get over our fear of rejection and take a step toward people. Those steps don’t have to be big and they don’t have to be elaborate and they don’t have to be weird.


Go slowly

No one likes the stranger who talks a little too much and a little too easily about private things a little too soon – that just feels a little too weird – in the creepy sense. Striking up a new friendship happens in doses. Too much, too soon freaks most people out. Even though we desire deeper and more meaningful relationships, we are still skeptical about people’s real agendas when they come on too strongly. Give a guy the chance to warm up to the idea of a new friend. Then give him a chance to warm up to the idea of being more than an acquaintance. There’s a good question: when does a relationship advance from an acquaintance to a friendship. A good rule of thumb is when you start talking about feelings and not just facts.


Keep them wondering

Advancing a relationship in doses means that you keep leaving each other wanting a little more – wondering about them and their story and maybe leaving them wondering a little more about you and your story. This isn’t manipulation. This is appropriate, safe and the precursor to a potentially meaningful relationship.


Being Braver and Stronger - a real story

As I write this, there is a guy I am slowly becoming acquainted with at the gym where I work out. He seems interesting to me. He stood out for some reason. He looked a little protective, maybe even a little unapproachable. I wondered what his story was.


I do that a lot with a lot of people, but he stood out a little more than usual. I wondered what his story was. After waiting in the lobby for our group workout, he actually took the initiative and asked how long I had worked out there. We chatted for a few minutes and I found out that he was in the military and got injured – which was why he only walked on the treadmill portions of the workouts. After his injury and release from the military, he became a police officer and his injury got worse.


That was the “dose” for that day. I thought about him a couple of times during the day – mostly wondering about his injury and how it happened.


The next time we worked out at the same time, we chatted a little more. I asked his name, the workout started right after that. When it was over, I thanked him for providing some inspiration/competition during the workout and we bumped fists.


A few days later I saw him in z local grocery store. At first glance, I couldn’t remember his name. When we crossed paths, we were both mobile, heading in different directions in the store. I looked at him, recognized him, titled my head trying to remember his name, and said “Hey, you’re the guy I work out with sometimes – and then his name popped into my head just in time for me to say his name. He did the same, titled his head sideways and then remembered my name too. We didn’t chat, since we both had important groceries we were seeking out.


Just this morning, we worked out at the same time again. I greeted him by name. We worked out next to each other again – silently inspiring and competing with each other. At one momentary break, he asked if I was related to a guy he knew that had the same last name as me. I looked at him confused because I have never told him my last name. But he knew it – probably the cop in him... I told him I wasn’t related to the person he was asking about - or at least not that I knew of.


But, for some reason he knew my last name. I don’t think this is a creepy thing. I think he thinks I am a cool enough guy like he is. I don’t know if I will get to hear his story or not. I’d love to hear about his military service, his injury, and if he misses the military or police work. I don’t know if it will come to anything. I don’t know if this gym acquaintance will cross over to friendship or not. Right now, we are advancing with short doses. That is how friendships spring out of acquaintances – one step at a time.


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