Going First – Someone’s Got to
If your upbringing was anything like mine, you were told not to always go first, to wait your turn and give other people a chance too. It wasn’t that I was a bully, it was just that I was – well - self-centered. I was also a middle child, so if I didn’t assert myself, oftentimes I was overlooked and would get a second-rate toy or the smallest piece of cake.
Fending for yourself this way is a good way to stay in touch with your needs and feelings, and it’s also a good way to alienate your friends.
But when it comes to masculine friendship that can be deep and meaningful, it is ok to go first. In fact, it is going first that many times takes the friendship to a deeper level where men are braver and stronger together, instead of isolated and alone.
I have a friend that has a lot of friends. And most of them are braver and stronger friendships – the type of friendships that are fun and meaningful. This guy is pretty busy with a busy job and a young family. Part of his busyness is that he spends a lot of time with other men doing all sorts of fun things: cycling, fishing, four-wheeling, drinking craft beer, and hanging out over coffee at local coffee shops.
My wife saw some social media posts this last weekend that showed some of his latest man-exploits that he and another buddy of his went on. It was an overnight four-wheel drive excursion. She asked me, “How does he [my friend] attract so many men that want to do things with him?” I thought I knew that answer, and told her what I thought it was. Then I texted him and asked him the question.
He was taken back a bit – surprised that my wife saw him that way. He didn’t consider himself the gregarious guy that lots of people want to be around. After I convinced him she really was talking about him, and after he thought about it for a few minutes, he responded:
· I initiate.
I was pretty sure that would be his answer. There’s a line I use a lot when it comes to relationships: Someone has to go first. Too many people, especially men, are waiting for someone else to go first. So all we have is a bunch of lonely people waiting for someone else to make the first move.
He added a couple of follow-up steps:
· I figure out what interests they have and I do what they like to do.
· I make time for them.
That is not a super sophisticated formula. As he initiates friendships, he listens for things they like to do. He suggests that they do that thing. And as they do that thing, their friendship becomes stronger.
I challenged him a bit and said that I thought he needed to add one thing - his physique.
He laughed and then added another important element - his 70’s mustache.
We may have laughed about the last two, but I totally agreed with the first three and especially the first one: taking the initiative.
Going first is not such a bad thing when it comes to reaching out to guys who have only surface relationships that only talk about sports and weather. There’s a whole lot more going on in the heart and head of a man than that.
Take a step toward someone this week! Be braver and stronger with someone who is waiting around for someone to go first!
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